I think I was born to be a fangirl. I think it doesn’t help that I tend to live on the extremes with an ‘everything or nothing’ mindset. So when I find something I really, REALLY love or enjoy, it consumes me completely. When I come across a book or drama I enjoy, I’ll stay up super late until I finish it or it’s time to go to work, whichever comes first.
A few years ago, I didn’t sleep a wink for two nights in a row (while going to work during the day) because I couldn’t put down a book, and on the third morning I fell seriously sick and had to take the day off. During one of the lockdowns, I started another book series and I couldn’t stop; I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t sleeping well, I was working from home, my eyes hurt, my head hurt, my anxiety was coming back up. I did not relent until I finished it.
After I joined my current organization, work started consuming me. At one point, I was taking things too personally. I believed in things too much and ended up getting hurt about things that were beyond my control. Around December last year I got so burnt out I had to sleep it off for three days (I woke up to my friends talking in the group chat about breaking into my apartment because I was online 14 hours ago and apparently that’s a very good reason to panic), and immediately took a few weeks off to go home to my parents to rejuvenate. I had lost weight, and considering I already don’t weigh much, that was something. The picture above is from my time home, when I started looking alive again.
When I find a song I really love, I’ll listen to it on repeat the whole day (and if it’s a work day, I’ll listen to it for the entire lunch hour). I might get tired of it in a few weeks but I’ll come back to it. And so when my friends can’t remember a song that we’d all really liked four years ago, I get hurt and offended – how could you NOT remember this? – but I’m the only one who’s still listening to it. They have all moved on.
A few months ago I met a guy who told me, “We should watch BL together. I’ll deconstruct it for you and tell you everything that’s wrong with it.” Oh the sheer audacity. That was my first thought. How obnoxious, was my second thought. I said, “I know what’s wrong with BL and I still enjoy it and choose to indulge. I know what Stockholm syndrome is. I still think Vegas is hot. It’s fiction. I don’t want to talk to you.”
So obviously, when I come across people who don’t have the same level of enthusiasm, I get bored. “Lukewarm” is how I’d describe them. That was until recently. I started running out of energy to care about these things. For the longest time my comfort book was Mo Dao Zu Shi. I was in love with Lan Wangji; I carried around his poster inside my phone case. I loved the translation. I loved the footnotes. I recommended it to a friend and later she told me that it was badly translated, she will never forgive me for recommending it, and that Lan Wangi’s character was like a piece of log. Ouch.
At the time I felt quite hurt. But it’s fine. It’s not personal.
Last week I put up a BL I liked, it was called Grey Shelter and although the pace was slower I thought it was artsy and beautiful.
Someone texted me that they found it boring. My first instinct would have been to say how absolutely dare you, and try to convince them otherwise. But I simply thought, it’s fine whatever. I’ve run out of steam. What matters is that I enjoy them, that they’re meaningful to me. Not everyone will share my fervor about the things I like – and that’s perfectly okay.
