When the domain of my old website expired over a year ago, I didn’t want to renew it. Although I had spent hours picking a name for the website that I hoped I’d still like a decade later, only three years had passed and I felt like I had outgrown it. I had outgrown the person who started it. I realized that I outgrow myself very quickly. I always thought it was a commitment issue. My friend said that maybe blogging was behind me now, and I had moved on to something else. To what, I didn’t know. Besides, I never considered myself a blogger or anything like that. My best friend says that I have way too much emotions inside of me that he can almost see them spilling over. Writing was a natural medium. So I guess this is what it is – spilling over of emotions.
Without a website, I had no motivation to write, although I did do a few chapter-series and fiction stories to keep myself entertained. I go back to read them sometimes (80% of the time I forget my own plots) and they’re fun. Kind of cute. The main reason I wrote so little was because work took over my life. I was learning so much, so fast. It felt giddy. It was exciting. But sooner or later, I was going to have to crawl back to the one thing that makes me feel alive. There is nothing that makes me more content than writing something that pushes my own creative boundaries. Regardless, it had been a while, and when I finally came back to it, for a horrifying moment I found out that I couldn’t write anymore. Desperate, I took a writing course, and there it was, just hiding.
Twenties is a strange decade. I’m sure every decade is strange, I can’t wait to find out, but I feel like twenties is especially ruthless. You’re too old to wallow in your own miseries, but too young to have any real confidence. There are always people trying to show you your place. It’s like walking on eggshells. For the longest time, I kept mourning the end of youth. “Why can’t we go back to the simpler times?” But simpler times are just that – simple. I don’t want to go back to simpler times anymore. Looking back, school was mind-numbing. We had so little agency. If I had to go back to that kind of environment, I would honestly die. Don’t get me wrong, I love a classroom. It’s probably one of my favourite places on earth. But when you have the freedom to turn any place and any time into a learning experience, a freedom that comes with the end of youth, you don’t really miss the ‘simpler times’.
